Narative Passage

Rivalry isn't just a word anymore either. Rivalry and my rivals now the bain of my existence. This game taught me not only to have pride in my school but in myself and to compete as if every game was the big game so that when that moment comes I won't let it go.

This paragraph has some good base to it and a couple good thoughts to it but it just sounds incomplete. Some of the sentences feel like there should be more after them. "Rivalry and my rivals now the bain of my existence" seems like a thought left mid journey. There needs to be a conclusion part to the sentence something like "and challengers of my every move and thought striving me to want to be the best". Also having wrote about so many other things in the paper I feel as if there should be more to the conclusion of this event in my life. This event in my life that made me more competitive, and marked a chapter of my life that was an unexpected boost having only started and ended my football career in that near perfect season. A smoother transition between the backlash at my rivals and the declaration of my school pride I think would also be beneficial in the portrayal of my story. Something might work like "This strive for the best often attacked by the warriors of other schools with the same goal. This mutual competition and marksmanship for eachother causes the hatred between school and more extreme nationalism for your own school". Add a that after have in the origonal aswell to better fit flow.

I also am wondering if people get what I am saying? Mainly do they understand what I want them to learn? I don't know if I know myself but I am interested to see what other people think while reading it seeing as this comes straight from my mind and I wouldn't talk to people like I talk in my stories.

Thanks for reading,
Kraus